Beyond the Mirror: My Physical Transformation in the Pursuit for Love

My WHY was… to make him LOVE ME.

In the pursuit of love and connection, we often find ourselves yearning for external validation. In a society heavily influenced by appearances, it's not uncommon to believe that transforming our bodies will increase our chances of finding love.

I bought into this, thinking that transforming my body would make him want me, and it did. However, I kept going, all the way to the competition stage, to make him stop cheating. While there's nothing inherently wrong with wanting to look and feel our best, it's essential to approach this journey with self-love and a balanced perspective.

So, what is self-love? Well, it isn’t bubble baths and scented candles. Self-love is the practice of nurturing a positive and compassionate relationship with ourselves. It involves treating yourself with kindness, respect, and understanding, just as you would treat a dear friend. Self-love is the foundation of a healthy and fulfilling life, as it shapes how we perceive ourselves, our worth, and how we interact with people around us.

Let me share a journal entry with you, a testament to how little self-love I had:

Journal Entry - Sept 30, 2020 - POST OP DAY 7:

"I chopped myself up for a man to love me. I knew I was doing this surgery for him. I have been trying to convince myself it was for me, but I can’t look in the mirror and look at these scars without feeling guilt and shame.

What did I do? Oh God, what did I do?

When he compliments me and tells me the surgery went well, I think, maybe now there won’t be anyone else and I can look at my new body with excitement, not regret. Maybe these scars were worth it. Did I finally cure his infidelities?

I just want him to be able to turn me around when he makes love to me. When we are missionary, he goes flacid. A true testament to how disgusting my body really was. As long as he did not have to look at me, he was able to perform. He often thought he was bringing me to orgasm, but I was crying inside. Gasping for air not pleasure. Longing to feel his hands caress me in a loving manner that made me feel beautiful and safe.

But this didn’t cure him. There is still someone else. I heard him make dinner reservations at the Keg from my living room the other day. I called the restaurant. I told the waitress my condition, and I asked her to tell me if he was cheating while I lay here chopped up, recovering alone. She confirmed he was having dinner with a blonde and they looked very close.

How could you do this, the day after my surgery; leaving me alone in my bed unable to move or feed myself? He replied, I don’t know Dee, maybe when the swelling goes down your body will turn me on.

What if the swelling does not go down? What if the results are not to his liking?

Today, I texted him to tell him I am going there for comfort. I can barely move but I drove to his house. When I arrived he wouldn’t answer the door but I heard the door lock. There was another strange vehicle in the driveway. Another woman delivering the visual pleasure I never could.

Finally, he called me. How could you do this to me? How could you not support me nor help me get through this recovery? He matter-of-factly said, “I didn’t tell you to do the surgery, Dee.” No, he didn’t tell me to do it. But he told me he cheats because my body doesn’t turn him on. He told me he likes a rock-hard body and I needed this surgery to have one.”

I know. I should have left then. But I didn’t…

I stuck around a few more months. I took my first trip to Mexico with him for Christmas. It was my first time I wore a bikini. I felt amazing, proud of the work I had done. I thought finally we would connect on a more intimate level on this trip. After all, we were best friends before we dated, I was the full package now. This was it. The moment it would all come together.

Fuuuck, was I ever wrong! The only connections made were the ones he made with the woman he took to the Keg while I was recovering. He spent every day ignoring and dismissing me, being cold and unkind. He used every minute he could texting her, and leaving me alone to go call her. I cried every day. I loved him. Why could he not see how hard I worked on myself for him? How could he not choose me? His best friend.

Furthermore, WHY was my self-worth wrapped up in this man??

Seeking external validation is a natural human inclination. We crave acceptance, love, and acknowledgment from others, especially from potential romantic partners. There's no denying that physical attraction plays an important role in forming initial connections. However, placing too much emphasis on appearance can lead to a shallow and unsustainable foundation for any relationship, including the one with ourselves.

When you're missing self-love, you're also missing self-worth.

It was on that trip that HE ended it. He was leaving me for someone else. I was devastated to lose 'the best thing that ever happened to me.'

“But Dee, she is SO SO FIT!” he told me about the other woman.

Hmmm, fit. I will show you FIT.

It was this revenge mindset that took me to the stage to win a Pro Card. I talked to him every day during that prep, begging him to choose me. However, I was also in therapy and a self-love recovery course that was opening my eyes to a core trauma wound I needed to heal.

It was my SELF WORTH. MY SELF LOVE.

Yes, you absolutely CAN transform the outside for someone else, with great success. Love and external validation are powerful motivators! I am proof of that. But I am also proof that you will wake up on the other side of this transformation feeling the same, or even worse. Being lean and fit is not enough to love yourself. The reflection in the mirror will be a stranger and you will feel lonelier than you ever have. The love you need to pursue is your own.

Unless you heal what is really going on, you will still feel inadequate.

EVEN IF every man in the room wants you.

There is no denying my transformation has brought me joy! I have more energy, I feel strong, I feel young, I feel healthy and I love being active. But the takeaway message is that my transformation did not cure my feelings of worthlessness nor did it get the man.

At least, not THAT man.

The man I have today is amazing. He treats me like a queen. He takes the time to recognize my triggers, insecurities, and has space and compassion for them. He loves and appreciates me authentically. He doesn’t care if I am fat, thin, fit, tight, saggy, blonde, or brunette.

BUT… I only found him when I loved myself and knew I was WORTHY of this kind of true love.

INTERNAL LOVE attracts AUTHENTIC LOVE!

My experience is why I created my signature program. I wanted women to take a holistic approach to their transformation. Maybe today your WHY is the pursuit for love, like it was mine. That is okay, let’s run with it! No judgment here!

However, let’s also heal the inside, to embrace SELF LOVE and ACCEPTANCE, so when you are on the other side of your transformation you are not plagued with still feeling inadequate, like I was. Or better yet, afraid to eat a brownie in front of a man or gain a pound.

Before embarking on a journey to transform your body, it's crucial to recognize and embrace the beauty of self-love and acceptance. Understand that you are worthy of love and respect JUST AS YOU ARE. External validation may offer fleeting satisfaction, but true and lasting fulfillment stems from accepting and loving yourself first.

This is a REAL. FEARLESS. TRANSFORMATION!!